Quick post, I promise!

So...... yesterday had my first "leak-free" day in honestly, I can't remember how long! Not spotting either! Oh, praise the lord, someone IS listening!!! Obviously not out of the woods yet, but it's nice to have a day where my head isn't spinning with worry! Haven't leaked MUCH today either, so I'm hoping like mad it's slowing up a bit.

DP is getting the flu and feeling miserable so heading home shortly to make him a nice dinner and run him a hot bath. Wouldn't normally do that kind of thing (running him a bath of course, I do cook tea!!), but it's seriously been pouring here all day, and about 6 degrees and he's working outside all day so I'm thinking he might want to thaw out!!! Poor bugger!

Well, that's all for today! See you soon!!

Another OB visit....

Good arvo!!
I'm at home today cause I had more gushing of fluid loss so I rang the clinic and my OB said to come straight down. Had a heap of tests, including one that took a sample of the fluid again that I'm leaking and (the test actually looked like an OPK dip stick thingy!) it checks to see if it's amniotic fluid or other fluid I'm leaking. Anyway, the good news is that it's not amniotic fluid but it is coming from me, and not the baby. I had a scan and my cervix is still about 3.5 - 3.6 cm long and it's closed nicely still.
Also, bub was flipping around and going well completely unaware of what was going on in the outside world! What a relief, I can't explain it! Plus it's been quiet the last couple of days and I hadn't felt it so that just added to my anxiety levels!
They did blood tests and swabs to check for infection of any illnesses but the swabs the last few times have been completely clear of anything so he doesn't think there's any kind of infection. The abruption of my placenta hasn't gotten any worse and that' what he was most concerned about so probably all in all, that was the most relief I've had in a week! Again he said that it was likely I would continue to 'leak' for the duration of my pregnancy and whilst he didn't tell me not to worry - cause he can't guarantee that there isn't reason to - he told me what to look out for so that I can sleep at night!!! I look like a hundred year old hag from laying awake worrying!!
My goodness..... what a worrysome time!!! Nearly 19 weeks so about 5 weeks to go until the safe zone! Cmon goddamnit!!! I want to breathe again!!! lol!!!
How many china men did I run over in a past life for all this worry?!?!?!

I wanted to add...... last night I laid in bed and cried and cried and I mean HOWLED like a baby until about 11:30pm! Poor DP didn't know what to do and I tried to explain to him that I was just feeling like I'd done something wrong in a past life and I was over tired and feeling upset and helpless!!! He was wonderful and just cuddled me until I eventually cried myself to sleep. I always do my best to stay upbeat and positive, but some days it really does seem like the world is against me having a baby!! I'm better today after I let it all out, and I feel positive that I can do this. I can last another 5 weeks. I will give my life for this baby, I love it so much.
A massive thanks to all those who have thought of me and bubs in their messages and blogs. It really does mean the world to me. You gals are all awesome! xxx

Yes, still leaking!!

I am now singing "6 months in a leaky boat" by Split Enz in my mind!!! I guess that's what I feel like at the moment! This morning got out of the shower and was at the mirror toning my face and geetting ready for work again, when I felt a gush. I look down to see probably the equivalent of about 3 tablespoons of liquid running down the inside of my thigh and onto the floor mat. I panic but not as much cause now it's happening pretty much every day. Now it just does my head in and I wonder to myself if I should be doing more about it but the OB knows and he said not to worry too much about it just yet and to worry more if it's a constant stream, or if there's red blood. How can I NOT worry about it?? I rang him today just to talk about it and he confirmed I had a grade 1 placental abruption, so certainly not cause for extreme alarm or anything, but the close monitoring will apparently continue for entire length of the pregnancy now, not just until 24 weeks. That's a good and a bad thing..... of course I'm super grateful for all of the expert care I'm getting. Not for one second would I want it any other way, but the alarm bells ring in the back of my mind and think that I probably won't really get much of a chance at all to really enjoy this pregnancy. I will probably spend every waking moment worrying about whether or not my baby is ok, is it distressed, will it affect it long term?? But again, I will do my best to stay positive! I am booked in now for my 20 week scan on the 5th of July. Bring on about 28 weeks!! PLEASE!!!

More for the girls!

This post is just about the girls who have departed SWB (for now!).....

Summa, I have been tracking your blog and seriously, without trying to sound over the top optimistic, your symptoms to date are looking awesome!!! I can't wait to see more updates on how you are tracking and if there have been any new developments!!! I seriously do have everything crossed for you!

Shel, I am very proud of you for taking a new level of control in your life in regards to TTC. It's a freakin tough decision and it's one that seems to have been adopted also by GS. It is never easy to make that kind of decision, but I really take my hat off to you! I still think doing that myself was the best thing I ever did in hindsight..... I hope you have the same outcome!! : )

Green Sprout, well..... what can I say?? You know how I feel about your situation! You've just gone through a big deal in regards to your lap and I know they couldn't give you any answers as such, but I guess if you look at it from the perspective that you can work backwards through the process of elimination...... you've at least been able to strike some possible issues off your list. I know it still leaves a big black hole on that list, but I'm so proud of you for deciding to stay positive and tackle this head on! And you've got us all supporting you so please don't throw in the towel! Not yet!!!

Nani.....you're really struggling (as you all are I know) and I hope and pray that you and your DH can work through this together. Try looking at all the options you still have in front of you and the great support that you have and don't forget the fact that you really can conceive. Some people don't even have that to hang onto. I'm not taking anything away from how you're feeling, I just want you to hang onto something like that for hope and inspiration. It's a very positive outlook you have if they can help you O and don't lose sight of what you know you can achieve! You WILL get there!!!

Well, I just wanted to post this to you all to say hello and that I'm still holding out hope for you all!! Take care and see you around! : )

Same old, same old..... which is good! Oh and 18w today!

Still hanging in there! Still spotting and leaking a fair amount of fluid from god knows where but Bub is hanging in there!
Was sitting on the couch last night and it was going ballistic in my tummy which was such a lovely feeling. I can't wait to feel it more regularly and stronger, it's the best reassurance that it's going ok in there!!
Not much else to report at this stage so won't waffle for once, but so far so good.
Have my next OB appointment on Tuesday so only 4 days until I know what (if any) course of action will be taken next. I guess it depends on how the placenta is holding up and how bub is going.
I'm staying strong though, it WILL all be fine!! Better than fine, it will be wonderful!!! :)

Positive thoughts.....

Ok, so no worrying, no wallowing in self pity or wondering why things aren't going quite the way I'd hoped..... I KNEW this would be a touchy pregnancy. I had been told my whole life since having the twins that carrying a baby for me would be a little bit dicey. But what I need to remember is that I'm getting the best of care, I'm doing everything the doctors orders..... I can get through this. I ask all the questions, and listen to what the OB says now. When I was 19 and had the twins, and things started going wrong (like leaking fluid etc) I put my head in the sand cause I was a kid bascially and didn't ask questions. I didn't say, "hmmm, excuse me? But can you please tell me why I have this fluid leaking from me??" but now I'm smarter, wiser and more aware of my body. I WILL get through this. I WILL have a gorgeous little bub at the end of all this, and I WILL enjoy this pregnancy as much as humanly possible. Dwelling on the negatives never got me anywhere - that's why I always try my best to be positive. Sometimes its soooo draining, but it gets me through in the end. It always works so why change that method?? Why let myself slip quietly into a void of worry, depression and angst for something I can't do anything about?? It's just a waiting game now and I don't want to inflict all those negative vibes and hormones on bub while it's inside me!!! lol!!!
Cmon Bub, stick with me and let's enjoy the ride!!! I love you to bits and will do everything I can for you xxx

Crappy day, crappy news....

Well, had another OB appointment this morning. Got to see a senior doc this time and that was great, especially after such a shit week last week.

Did a scan and bub is great with it's little heart still fluttering away and doing somersaults inside me! All that was great, but then he spotted what he said looks to be a minor detachment of the placenta from the uterus. Well, this is of course not what I want to hear. He checks the cervix which is still nicely closed and still 3.5cm or so long. And THEN when he was taking a swab, there was a gush of bleeding and fluid which he says shouldn't be happening. He seems to think there is blood being forced from this detachment in the placenta or something?? Anyway, the low lying placenta isn't a worry too much at this stage but hopefully it moves up and out of the way of the cervix as the uterus grows. But if the placenta keeps coming away from the uterus it will lead to preterm labour. So I'm on to weekly visits now with the OB and Dr F says that I now also am only to see senior specialists and no junior ones to ensure nothing is missed. So essentially my cervix is ok which is great, but I need to do lots of resting and taking it easy to ensure my poor placenta holds up and lasts the distance..... anyway, don't feel like writing more at the moment. Feeling pretty f&cking flat to be honest....

Replies on SWB

Sometimes I DIDN'T post in SWB because you know, it felt like I kept repeating myself and commenting on things over and over again. Same statement, different person. And that's not to say I didn't mean it (e.g 'I have my fingers crossed for you XXX, and I truly hope AF stays away') I really DO mean it..... but I worry that people think it's a 'token' comment and I'm only saying it for something to say. At times when people were really heartbroken and at the end of their tether, I didn't honestly KNOW what I could say that didn't sound lame.... If I was there in real life I would have given a hug or something that meant more.... I just didn't want to use the same phrase over and over again (even though relevant) and have it lose some of its impact or have the person think I wasn't being sincere.... it's a fine line we walk I guess when we communicate solely online

I'mn a little bit pissed off at the moment....I think I've moved from shocked, to hurt to now just a bit miffed!!! I have been accused of calorie counting and worrying about my waistline during this pregnancy and I just want to clear one thing up.....
You're right (you know who you are).... I DO want this baby more than anything else in the WHOLE world. I WOULD give an arm or a leg without a second thought if it came to it. I AM eternally grateful to whatever power above that has given me this gorgeous little gift inside me.....
BUT, and I mean BUT....... whilst I did talk about using the website Calorie King, it was for me to be used as a guide for health MANAGEMENT not weight loss. That point has sadly been lost in all of the hysteria.... I am eating things I don't normally, and something like calorie king enables me to gain a better understanding of what I'm putting in my mouth. And yes i DO go to the gym as much as physically possible because my OB gave me the all clear to do so. I have been either instructing aerobics classes or participating in them for going on 16 years and so because I have that history, I was given the ok to continue.
I hear so many TTCer's saying how TTC does their head in and they've spent so long concentrating on it, that they find it hard to just "let go" and get back to life they knew before TTC. Well, I'm the same with exercise and looknig after my health (which does include weight management). I can tell you, after 16 years of trying to be as fit as I can be, instructing classes, personal training, having an active interest in nutrition (which started with having a Mum with Coeliac), it's BLOODY hard to just stop and go back to life you knew BEFORE all that. Just like going back toi life before TTC.
So whilst I fully understand that I shouldn't be so worried about my waistline, my calories etc. it's all about looking after myself and Bub to the best of my ability. And if that person didn't jump the gun and shoot me down without really thinking about why I did what I did, then alot of this might have been avoided. I'm not having a personal dig at you, but you need to understand that I wasn't trying to LOSE weight, I was trying maintain a certain level of health which is very important to me. Every pregnancy book talks about how delivery and recovery and baby health can all be improved my maintaining good fitness and diet during your pregnancy. Please allow me to take this on board and don't judge me on that. I haven't judged anyone in the SWB group at all, and always done my best to look after both the UTDer's and the TTCer's alike. EVERYONE'S journey was important to me, and I'm sorry you thought I was so vain and insensitive that I didn't care..... please believe I'm not that person....

In regards to my current spotting problems, I did ask and so did DP several times if my gym classes can cause that and we were given resounding NO's every time we asked. I will take it easier from now, as bub really is the most important thing in my life. But no one can take away from me the personal desire to stay healthy for all of our sakes.

So, spent yesterday in the Base hospital!! Had been spotting for about 3-4 days (just old brown blood again) but yesterday about 15 minutes after I'd gotten out of the shower, I was doing my make up still with my towel around me, and I felt fluid run down the inside of my leg. Looked, and it was a browny, dark yellowy coloured fluid - not spotting, but with the consistency of water. Of course, it bothered me, because of all the things that happened with the twins, that's the ONLY thing I actually remember happening about a week before I went into premature labour. I rang my OB office and spoke to the midwife Helen who told me to go straight to the hospital, she would ring them and advise them that I was on my way. I also had cramps in the front, lower part of my tummy, much like AF was on her way. So headed to the emergency department, and was taken in for checking. That was about 9:45am that I was admitted. I couldn't get in for a scan until about 3:45pm but in the meantime, they kept checking things like blood pressure, oxygen intake, temperature, and checking to see how fluid I'd lost.
I basically just laid in emergency for the day, only allowed to get up to go to the loo.
My boss came up to visit me, bring me expensive, glossy magazines and about 6 different types of lollies and chocolates from the newsagent! She's such a legend!!
Anyway, finally went in for a scan and they checked bub and my cervix and also the volume of fluid in my uterus. They said the cervix was fine, I had slightly low levels of amniotic fluid, but I may have been like that the while way - they hadn't measured that before, and the levels weren't dangerous so they'll just check that fortnightly with my cervix now. They also established that at the moment, my placenta is laying directly on top of my cervix. They suggest that MAY have been placing pressure on my cervix, but they said they'd be surprised if it didn't shift away from that position in the next 3-4 weeks. My blood pressure was also 90/50 for the day and that was even after I'd eaten.
They have sent me for 'confinement' for 4 days or so and see how I go! Driving me insane already, just cause you really aren't supposed to do anything!!! But I'll do whatever it takes to keep bub going along ok!
Have my fortnightly OB appointment next Tuesday so that's not far until I can get further reassurance that the rest is the right thing and all is ok....

On a positive note, it was wonderful to see Bub yesterday. It was wriggling it's fingers and hands around quite a bit and we saw it yawn and then the sonograph pointed out the fact that it had its tongue out!! Very cute!! It's got rather chubby cheeks now, very much like my sister had when she was born! I just can't wait until I get to about 27 or 28 weeks and then worst case scenario if I DID go into premature labour, the baby still has a great survival chance! Oh, cmon time, fly by!!!!!
Thanks to all my SWB friends who cheered me up with lovely messages yesterday too! I'd be lost without you lovely, awesome ladies xxxx

Remembering where you came from....

So, I'm working through the issues that SWB has dealt me the past 24 hours. It certainly knocked the wind out of my sails and I'm really disappointed that things went the way they did. Still, it's given me food for thought and time to reflect on my own situation and sometimes how you maybe take things for granted or you forget what brought you to where you are today.... so today was the first time I will share my gorgeous little twins that I so tragically lost 12 years ago on the 16th of March 1998. They were 23 anda half weeks and the first born twin Heather was 610g and the second little one Chelsea (that I thought was a boy according to scans!) was 530g. Both were born alive and lived for about one glorious hour. Tragically, their lungs were well and truly unable to sustain their lives and they passed away approximately one hour after their birth - both in my arms, both with their Mum who loved them more than life itself. To this day, I still have nightmares about it - although less regularly than I used to - about the sound of them laying in my arms and trying to breathe, their lungs not letting them, the tears streaming down my face, so much so I was worried I wouldn't be able to see them clearly, about the point when I knew it was over and the thing that plagues me the most, handing them over to the nurses, knowing that even though I would spend the night with them, tomorrow I would never see them again. It's something you never get over. You move on, you recover, you even get to the point where you can talk about them without welling up, but I don't think you ever TRULY get over it. No mother should have to endure having her babies die in her arms.....not even the cruelest, most horrible person on the planet.....

But enough of that, I wanted to remember my girls in my journey. I wanted them to know that they have a little brother or sister coming to join me and become part of their family. They must already know that though!! Especially seeing as I discovered I was pregnant on the date of their birthday, the 16th of March 2010!! Thankyou girls for your wonderful gift.... I will always remember you both and you will always be my special little angel babies xxxx

Me and my big mouth....

I don't believe it.... I don't think I've EVER been told off in my life for being insensitive, for being vain, for being nasty in any way..... maybe it should have happened ages ago to wake me up??
So, SWB is now down to 7 members - pretty much cause I drove everyone away... how could I not see it coming?? How could I be so bloody insensitive??? I didn't mean to..... not one bone in my body is ever truly malicious or spiteful, or jealous as that's not the way I was brought up.
I guess in this instance it came and bit me on the bum - ignorance, that is.....
I guess now though, I'm confused..... it seems we all started this journey together, sharing our troubles, our good times, our lows, our questions, our answers, our opinions..... and it was always inevitable that some journeys would progress ahead of others. Were we not prepared for just how much of a divide it would have on our group? I became mindful of talking too much about my journey quite a while back. Coming from the same starting point, I was not unaware of how hard it is for TTCer's. It's not that long ago that I was in th same boat. It's not that long ago that I too was sharing my experience of loss. I felt like I was able to contribute to the SWB support network.... am I no longer able to offer that? Does my past now mean nothing, just because I managed to conceive??? I always hoped that my awful experiences could go to helping those in need, to help out things in perspective, to help people understand that it IS possible to recover from such tragedy, to help others believe that even with problems in the past, it IS possible to conceived again..... this morning I feel like that all means nothing. I never meant to complain about getting "fat" in one of my belly pics. It was said in jest, as I'm somewhere between being normal, and looking pregnant so to others who don't know me, I just LOOK like I'm getting fat. That was really all I meant by it. And now I wear the burden of driving so many TTCer's from our SWB group and it's more than I can bear at the moment...... For anyone reading this, again I apologise and I hope you can accept my apology. Whilst any "compaints" might have been vented in the realms of SWB, I can assure you that from my perspective, they were shallow and meant nothing in the scheme of things. Sometimes (being human after all), even though you're more than eternally grateful for this beautiful being growing inside you, the stresses of normal life can get you down. It was never meant for TTCer's to judge us or assume that a whinge here or complaint there, meant we didn't love or want this baby more than life itself. I've ALWAYS tried to be a positive person, and do my best to appreciate everything I have in my life. I always try to see the best in every situation, and I never give up (although you have your bad days!) if I want something bad enough. But today, I feel like I have lost a part of me that I'd come to enjoy and relish so much...... I'm sorry I ruined it for so many. It was NEVER my intention.......

Weight Gain Tracking

Just wanted to update here so I didn't lose track..... up to today, I have gained 3.3kg since finding out I was pregnant. I think that's about average all up. Let's hope I don't put it on TOO rapidly from now on!!!

16 weeks - yes, 4 months!!!!

Who would have thought?? I just can't believe it, but let me tell you it's just awesome to make another monthly milestone.... someone up there is looking after me, that's for sure!!!

So, that pic on the left is from yesterday morning after brekky - still on the Sultana Bran! - and that's me at 4 months!! Certainly starting to really fill out now, but to be honest I still jsut do feel fat, fat, fat and not lovely round pregnant!!! When I had my last OB appointment on Tuesday, did a scan and I could hardly see any "black" area around the baby on the screen so it must be really started to "fill up" the uterus!!! Plus I'm having funny pulling pains on and off over the past week or so, so I'm assuming they are ligaments stretching and my abs giving way to the growing!

Anyway, the OB appointment went really well. My cervix was still the same length which is exactly what I want to hear. If it shortens at all, that may mean impending premature labour and I don't know what I'd do if tht happened to me again! Secondly, he said the results of last fortnight's cervical swab was all clear so no sign of any infections. He took another swab - can't wait until they stop at 24 weeks! How really wants to have the equivalent of a pap smear every 2 weeks?!?! But I KNOW they've got to be done!!! Bub was also still busily rolling around on the screen and I still can't describe the joy through my whole body when I see that little heart pounding away. I feel like if I get TOO happy, it'll all blow up in my face and something will go wrong. Oh, who would have thought it would be possible to become so attached to something so quickly?!?!

On a brighter note, yesterday I went to get all my waxing done (for some reason I could SWEAR it hurts more when pregnant!!!!!) and when she was doing the back of my legs I rolled over onto my tummy and I could clearly and distinctly feel bub moving around inside!!! I was obviously squashing it!!! So I told DP about it last night and got the giggles to myself! He laughed when he came out of the shower this morning to see me lying in bed on my tummy, saying "you're just lying like that to stir up the baby!" - well of COURSE I was doing that!!!! I'm addicted to feeling it now!!! hahaha!! Guess I won't be able to do that for much longer when I really pop out!!!

Anyway, I'm off to investigate what has happened to our disappearing SWB members!!! Where did you go girls????? : (

15 weeks today!!!! Hurrah! (3rd June 2010)

Sooooo...... 15w today!!!! Wow, how fast is time flying?!?! I'm not sure if it's a good thing or bad at the moment cause it feels like I all of a sudden have sooooo much to do!!!!!

Had a scan yesterday arvo. It was meant to be a cervical scan, just to ensure my cervix was still nice and long and closed tightly, and this monitoring will continue until about 24 weeks. No sign of any problems yesterday, it was as long as it was last time and closed firmly, so that was great news. I thought that would be it, but then the lady said she'd just like to scan bub and make sure it was still going along ok and growing as it should. Well, as IF I was going to argue about that!!!
Anyway, as soon as she put the transducer thingy on me, bub popped up on the screen and was flipping around as it usually is! I saw the heart pounding away and when measured, it was going at 162 BPM. She said from now on they don't really measure the CRL to date the bub, but measure head circumference, tummy size and the length of the shin bone. When looked at individually, the head measured 16w6d (all those brains!!), the tummy measured 14w5d (hungry) and the shin measured 15w4d, so averaged out it was pretty much close to spot on!! What a relief!! She then spent a couple of minutes just watching it and following what it was up to. It was turning around, backwards and forwards, upside down and back up again, crossed and uncrossed its legs a couple of times and then at the end started sucking it's thumb!!! Oh my god, if that wasn't the cutest thing I think I've ever seen, then I don't know what is!!! It was sucking it's right thumb, and I was reading on the net last night that it MAY indicate that it will be right handed when it grows up. Let that be noted to see the outcome for future reference!!!
Anyway, she cut a pic for me and whilst it's not the greatest quality cause bub wouldn't sit still, you can still see the little hand up near its face with the thumb in it's mouth!!! So cute!!!

Also found out today that a friend of mine in Brisbane is having a bub. She's only 8 weeks today so she's still a little apprehensive naturally, but she has been morning sick constantly from about 6 weeks and is a flight attendant so can't imagine that would be the easiest job in the world when you're constantly tired and feeling blah!!!! She had been on the Pill for 17 years and only come off it about 3 months ago, so it clearly didn't take her long!! Ahhh, good one them though. Some people just have the luck and I'm so happy for them! Congrats MK and SM!!!
Oh, and another friend of DP popped into his work on the way home the other night to congradulate him and to share the news that he too was going to be a dad and his fiance was due 3 days after me!!!! Must be something in the water!!?!?!?! Anyway, DP was thrilled after his friend got all excited stating they'd be able to go to "huff and puff" classes together!!! I think it took some pressure off DP cause now it means he's not going to be doing this without the support of his mate. I guess as much as I'm close to all my girlfriends when it comes to babies, I guess I underestimated how exciting it can be for men if they've got mates to go through it with too!!!

Anyway, that's again enough waffle for one day! Not long now until I can say I'm 4 months!!!! Woohoo!!!!